The Patient Game/ My near death experience

​The Patient Game

​I’ve spent my whole life caught between two worlds. It started before I was born and led me all the way to a hospital bed where I finally had to choose which side I belonged to. This is the truth of what I saw, what I lost, and why I decided to come back. It’s not just a story about death, it’s about the love that pulls us home and the choice to stay for the people who need us.

​I’ve spent my whole life with one foot in another world, and it all started before I was even born. In the dark of the womb, there were two of us. I had a twin, but without even knowing it, my body absorbed his. I took his body into mine, never giving him his own chance at life. I didn't just take in his physical form; I took in his soul, too. I emerged into the light as one person, but I’ve always been two. As a kid, I saw things no one else did, spirits standing in the hallways as solid as my own parents. I knew things about my Nan’s family that I couldn't possibly have known. I just thought everyone saw the world that way.

​As I got older, the knowing started to cause a massive clash in my head. It was like an argument between the two of us that never stopped. For about ten years it went quiet, but when I was sixteen, it came back. I remember going to the bathroom at night and seeing a light vibrating under the spare room door. When I came out, the door was wide open and a man was standing there. He looked totally real. He just said, "Listen mate, don't worry about me. I’m Paul. I’m just here watching over; everything’s okay." I sat on my bed for three hours until the sun came up. It was the first time I realized I was being looked after.

​Years later, I saw a darkness around my friend Charlie. I tried to tell people he was off and that we needed to look after him, but none of us understood the severity of what was actually going on. We didn't realize how close to the edge he really was. When he took his own life, I was broken. But he came to me. In this vivid dream, I saw his dog, Trigger, jump into a river. A voice told me, "Carrot Top wants to speak to you," and suddenly I was in this silent corridor with Charlie. He took me to a lake with a stone statue of himself in the middle. He told me he had to destroy it by throwing pebbles from the shore, like a slow way of letting go of his pain. I stood there and helped him. I can still feel the physical weight of the hug he gave me before I left.

​But even with these connections, my own life was falling apart. I was in a deep depression and felt like a burden. Because of the way things were, I wasn't living with my children; I was seeing them only on the weekends. The rest of the time, I was just sitting there in the silence, waiting until it was my time to see them again. It was the loneliest feeling in the world. The day before everything changed, I was with my daughter in the garden. I felt this heavy need to tell her, "If I'm ever not here, look at the sky, I’ll be that big bright star." I danced and hugged her, and even though my son was too young to be out there, I felt like I was saying goodbye to both of them for good.

​On the day it happened, I couldn't get to that Zen place I needed to silence the clash in my head. I had been doing a lot of ketamine, but it wasn't helping my mind, so I decided to take magic mushrooms. I took over the space of a day around 22g of dried mushrooms. Soon, I felt this sharp, terrible pain in my abdomen. It just kept getting worse. I tried to walk it off, but then this intense ringing started in my ears, louder and louder. As I was walking, I felt my heart rhythm just... stop. I felt my whole soul being pulled out of my body.

​I asked my friend to take me to the hospital. By the time I got to the help desk, I told them, "I think I'm about to die." They didn't take me seriously at first, but when the guy checked my heart, I saw his face drop. They rushed me into a room, shaving my chest for the monitors and sticking drips in me. I felt weaker and weaker until I felt this massive, violent pull. Then, I was just gone.

​I slammed into this white, blissful power. I had been there before and I recognized it instantly. It felt like home almost and like everyone was there. My ego was gone; I didn't have a single negative thought. I felt like an angel for a second. My dad was there, and everyone I had ever loved was there. The most amazing part was seeing the souls of my children. Even though they were back at home, miles away from that hospital bed, their spirits were right there in the bliss with me. It was this intense, divine tingling I can’t even explain. I've never felt anything like it before and I don't think I will again.

​But I still had a slight grip on my body. I knew if I stayed in that light, the versions of my kids back on Earth would be destroyed. So, my soul fractured. The part of me that was tired and wanted to rest, maybe the part of my twin that never got his chance, stayed in the bliss with my dad. But the part of me that is a father grabbed onto that grip and pulled. I sacrificed being an angel so I could come back to them. I forced myself back into that hospital bed and made myself wake up.

​I moved to Wales after that to start a new life. I don't see spirits in the hallways anymore, but the connection is still there. I get downloads of information and see clues everywhere. I even had a vision recently where I was inside someone else, and they spoke to me as me, saying they’re still there, just waiting in the shadows. It’s all love. It’s just a patient game now, and I’m okay with waiting.